I have always had an irrational fear of bugs. I hate those ugly things and don’t want them anywhere near me. The fear is completely foolish. I could destroy them easily and have many times. But, let’s face it nobody wants to see a big roach when they get up in the night to go to the bathroom. Who could sleep after that?

Well, several weeks ago, I caught a glimpse of something moving in my peripheral vision when I was up in the night. So, I slept on the couch with the lights on. I admit it. I’m a wimp with these sort of things. I can be a mighty warrior in the spiritual realm and still have irrational fear in the physical realm.

Last night I saw a tiny bug moving on the floor when I was in the bathroom. It was a baby roach and he/she had a few siblings. I was thoroughly disgusted not so much by the tiny bugs but by the idea that there was a bigger bug lurking somewhere that had spawned the smaller ones. I flushed the little ones smooshed in toilet paper, but it couldn’t end there. Now I was on high alert for momma bug. She was going to meet her maker if I had my way.

When I laid back in bed, completely stressed, I heard the Lord say “It’s a bug, not a monster”. He continued to reason with me that it doesn’t have teeth. It can’t harm me. It is more afraid of me than I am of it. Seriously, just turning a light on causes it to look for a means of escape. That one stupid bug has managed to torment me without me ever even seeing it. I’ve been unreasonably aware. Despite God’s reasoning, I don’t think anything has changed. Every light in the place will go on for my nighttime bathroom visit. There’s going to be all out warfare if it makes itself known.

Of course, God couldn’t waste an uncomfortable scenario to teach me something greater. How often do we have irrational fears over the trials in our lives? I’m a very analytical person. That can be a good thing, but it can also be a fear-inducing bad thing. Analytical people typically jump to the worst case scenario first. As in the example above, my analytical thinker was jumping to the idea that the bug in question would crawl on me while I was sleeping. I wasn’t worried about it biting me or attacking me. I was afraid of it being near me. It sounds silly, but we all do a similar thing when we worry about things unreasonably. And yes, I do realize that a cancer diagnosis is a bigger thing than a bug being near you, but jumping to worst case scenarios can overemphasize fear and distort what’s true.

Last month, I was sick for nearly a week. I was having fever, nausea, and burning pain in the esophagus. It caused me to have no appetite, which was a good thing since I had no food in the house and no strength to go to the grocery store. My usual go-to people were all out of town on vacations and travel. I had hours of laying around questioning why God had allowed me to be sick. I continually asked God if I had done something wrong and He answered that I had done His will exactly. Listen, I hate being sick every bit as much as I hate bugs. Eventually, I drove myself to urgent care to get checked out and the doctor said that it was likely acid reflux. He gave me a prescription for Prilosec and one for nausea. Yuck! Did I mention that I hate being sick. But, and here’s the big but, I made it through. Was it uncomfortable? Yes. It was not how I wanted to spend my time. But I did make it through to the other side of that thing.

As I was on the mend, God finally gave me a different word about why I was sick. He said that it was a reset. Reset? It wasn’t punishment. It was a reset? I can analyze what that means (and I guess I’m supposed to since God won’t elaborate). So, one of the things that I’ve read about fasting from foods for health reasons is that fasting causes your body to eliminate certain toxins and can help prevent certain cancers, etc. Truly, if I hadn’t been sick, fasting for four days would have seemed unreasonable. And it still does. You see, my thought is that I have this God who could have prevented me from being sick then and in the future without me doing a thing. He’s all powerful. He’s the healer. He could have given my physical body a reset without putting me through the trial. But He didn’t. And He didn’t rid my home of that stupid bug that has stalked me in the dark either.

I know that there is a bigger picture that God is doing that He just won’t trust me with the details at the moment. I don’t like it, but I don’t have to. What am I going to do with God? I can’t spank Him when He doesn’t do things my way. He always has the final say and the final authority.

“It’s only a bug, not a monster.” That’s a saying that I need to remember for the next trial that is sure to come.