Tag Archives: writing

Seasonal Finish Line

Posted on by

For some, this time of year is met with too many obligations, too much financial stress, and an unwelcome busyness. For others, it’s a time of feeling abandoned, left out, and alone.

It’s sad that what should be a joyous time can often be overshadowed by grief and discontent fueled by frustration of not measuring up to expectations.

I don’t have the answers and maybe I’m just writing this post to hear my own analysis, so please bear with me. It’s 3:00 am and I’m worried that I’m not doing enough to help others. I know a widow who lost her husband earlier this year. I’m wondering if she’s feeling alone and forsaken. I’m worried that my adult children are feeling pressure to do too much between decorating, entertaining, gift buying, etc. And, I’m worried that I’m not doing enough in an effort to not be in the way or to exaggerate the mayhem.

Perhaps, we are all just pushing through it to get to the other side not realizing that these are the times when memories are made. For myself, I propose finding some solace in walking in the park or spending time alone with God at the river’s edge for peace. Worship heals me. I’m reminded that the important things towards true contentment aren’t wrapped up in events or ribbons but in the smiles and laughter of those we love.

For these next few days towards the finish line, I’m asking God to keep me available for those who are hurting and to give me His eyes to see who needs a kind word of encouragement (even if I’m the one in need). I always want to be led by God to nurture others while being careful not to overstep invisible boundaries or privacy. I hope I’ve been clear that I’m available to teach others to hear God’s voice so that He can strategically walk with them through the hard times and loneliness better than any human agent.

Soon all the glitz and glamour of the season will settle down and we’ll meet to celebrate a new year of new possibilities. We’ll be more mature, more trained, more aware, and ready to step forward like never before.

Merry Christmas beloved.

“It’s A Bug, Not A Monster”

Posted on by

I have always had an irrational fear of bugs. I hate those ugly things and don’t want them anywhere near me. The fear is completely foolish. I could destroy them easily and have many times. But, let’s face it nobody wants to see a big roach when they get up in the night to go to the bathroom. Who could sleep after that?

Well, several weeks ago, I caught a glimpse of something moving in my peripheral vision when I was up in the night. So, I slept on the couch with the lights on. I admit it. I’m a wimp with these sort of things. I can be a mighty warrior in the spiritual realm and still have irrational fear in the physical realm.

Last night I saw a tiny bug moving on the floor when I was in the bathroom. It was a baby roach and he/she had a few siblings. I was thoroughly disgusted not so much by the tiny bugs but by the idea that there was a bigger bug lurking somewhere that had spawned the smaller ones. I flushed the little ones smooshed in toilet paper, but it couldn’t end there. Now I was on high alert for momma bug. She was going to meet her maker if I had my way.

When I laid back in bed, completely stressed, I heard the Lord say “It’s a bug, not a monster”. He continued to reason with me that it doesn’t have teeth. It can’t harm me. It is more afraid of me than I am of it. Seriously, just turning a light on causes it to look for a means of escape. That one stupid bug has managed to torment me without me ever even seeing it. I’ve been unreasonably aware. Despite God’s reasoning, I don’t think anything has changed. Every light in the place will go on for my nighttime bathroom visit. There’s going to be all out warfare if it makes itself known.

Of course, God couldn’t waste an uncomfortable scenario to teach me something greater. How often do we have irrational fears over the trials in our lives? I’m a very analytical person. That can be a good thing, but it can also be a fear-inducing bad thing. Analytical people typically jump to the worst case scenario first. As in the example above, my analytical thinker was jumping to the idea that the bug in question would crawl on me while I was sleeping. I wasn’t worried about it biting me or attacking me. I was afraid of it being near me. It sounds silly, but we all do a similar thing when we worry about things unreasonably. And yes, I do realize that a cancer diagnosis is a bigger thing than a bug being near you, but jumping to worst case scenarios can overemphasize fear and distort what’s true.

Last month, I was sick for nearly a week. I was having fever, nausea, and burning pain in the esophagus. It caused me to have no appetite, which was a good thing since I had no food in the house and no strength to go to the grocery store. My usual go-to people were all out of town on vacations and travel. I had hours of laying around questioning why God had allowed me to be sick. I continually asked God if I had done something wrong and He answered that I had done His will exactly. Listen, I hate being sick every bit as much as I hate bugs. Eventually, I drove myself to urgent care to get checked out and the doctor said that it was likely acid reflux. He gave me a prescription for Prilosec and one for nausea. Yuck! Did I mention that I hate being sick. But, and here’s the big but, I made it through. Was it uncomfortable? Yes. It was not how I wanted to spend my time. But I did make it through to the other side of that thing.

As I was on the mend, God finally gave me a different word about why I was sick. He said that it was a reset. Reset? It wasn’t punishment. It was a reset? I can analyze what that means (and I guess I’m supposed to since God won’t elaborate). So, one of the things that I’ve read about fasting from foods for health reasons is that fasting causes your body to eliminate certain toxins and can help prevent certain cancers, etc. Truly, if I hadn’t been sick, fasting for four days would have seemed unreasonable. And it still does. You see, my thought is that I have this God who could have prevented me from being sick then and in the future without me doing a thing. He’s all powerful. He’s the healer. He could have given my physical body a reset without putting me through the trial. But He didn’t. And He didn’t rid my home of that stupid bug that has stalked me in the dark either.

I know that there is a bigger picture that God is doing that He just won’t trust me with the details at the moment. I don’t like it, but I don’t have to. What am I going to do with God? I can’t spank Him when He doesn’t do things my way. He always has the final say and the final authority.

“It’s only a bug, not a monster.” That’s a saying that I need to remember for the next trial that is sure to come.

Hindered Vision

Posted on by

Yes, ignorance can be bliss, but also sometimes knowing more can be useful or powerful. I had a learning experience this weekend that put previous experiences in a different perspective. Listen, this learning experience didn’t come easy and I really should let you have to endure a similar one without giving you the final lesson plan, but maybe I learned it for both of us. So here goes …

I started the Spring Break weekend with back pain. It was that obnoxious lower back ache that dulls the desire to do anything useful. However, an earlier lesson with back pain resulted in me learning to use a tennis ball to self-massage the trouble spot. But it only seemed to dislodge what in hindsight was likely a kidney stone or stones. It was uncomfortable in the back but much more severe when it moved to the front. I spent the weekend with moist heat and Tylenol as my only friends. I watched way too much useless television and napped more than should be permissible.

So where’s the lesson? The lesson was revealed to me upon awaking this morning. The stones have seemingly passed and I was able to accomplish a few tasks, including laundry, yesterday. When I was going through the pain and suffering, I asked the Lord what was the purpose for it. I admit that I asked every question possible and only the Lord could have the patience needed to deal with me. The Lord said that I had done exactly His will and that this was not punishment. Forgive me for not believing that answer. But that was His answer. Big bully is what I really thought! He was patient in my affliction.

The lesson came in our early morning conversation today. He reminded me of the five senses: sight, hearing, touch, smell and taste. If I was without one of the five senses the other senses would be heightened to make up for the diminished sense. For example, if I were without sight, my hearing would likely become more aware. It’s like when we were youngins. New sights, sounds, and tastes were exciting and developed our discernment for color, texture, pitch etc. Alternately, as we age, our senses diminish gradually with impaired vision, hearing, taste, and more, also affecting our perspective. We don’t need to dwell on that because that’s not the central focus of this lesson (says the aging lady writing this).

So what in the world does that have to do with kidney stones or any other trial that we go through? I often equate hardship with discipline or punishment from God and sometimes let’s face it, that’s true. Ask Noah about everyone who got wiped off the planet in his day. But, God said of this particular hardship that it was not discipline or punishment. Some trials are to better position us or to equip us. That doesn’t make them more fun as we’re going through them, but at least there isn’t a punishment event going on. God was being rather quiet about all of it until this morning when He reminded me of the heightened senses. So why kidney stones?

The kidney stones forced me to be inside and alone. They forced me to not accomplish the to-do list in my head. They forced me to question my relationship with God. (Thankfully, that was in a good place.) The kidney stones forced me to see that I can take a day or two off without significant consequences. Maybe I can actually stop and smell the roses. I can’t take good health for granted. God has been pretty good at keeping me safe and healthy — when He wants to. I think that I gained insight about perspectives. When we are cut off from one perspective, we gain another.

I’m not sure that I described this well or even if I understand it fully. Maybe new wisdom will come as I mull this over in the days ahead. If you understand this from a different perspective, please share your thoughts. Maybe writing this will help us all.